The Truth About Paper Mario
by PMOR
Summary: A Parody of Paper Mario for the Nintendo 64.
1. Chapter 1

The Truth About Paper Mario

Prologue – The (Stupid) Story of The Star Spirits

Note: This story was inspired by NCHammer326's Kingdom Hearts: The Short and Honest Version, which is the best fanfiction ever.

Nintendo's PAPER MARIO starts off in book form.

ME: Heh…guess it's not called Paper Mario for nothing.

NARRATOR: This is the story of Star Spirits and Good Wishes. Above the clouds is a haven where the stars live, they watch over this item called the Star Rod.

ME: Hehehehehe, Star ROD.

The page flips, and there's a cutout of KAMMY KOOPA attached to it with tape.

NARRATOR: Instead of taking out the cutout, I'm going to put the story on hold just to whine. WHO PUT THAT THERE?

?: GWAHAHAHA I DID IT! I'MA BEAT MARIO! THOUGH I CAN JUST RIP OUT ALL THE PAGES, OR EDIT THEM, I'LL JUST TAKE THIS STAR ROD AND USE IT AGAINST MARIO! I'LL KICK HIS BUTT WITH THIS THING!

The first thing that comes to the NARRATOR's mind is that the VILLAIN is gay.

NARRATOR: Though pleading won't help, I'll do it anyway. Stop it! Cut it out, Bowser! You're changing the story!

BOWSER: That's the point. GWAHAHAHA!

NARRATOR: Could I see that for just a second?

BOWSER: Sure.

He hands it to him.

BOWSER: You're not gonna foil my plans, are you?

NARRATOR: Nah, I'll wait for Mario.

He flips the page and looks at the script that he hid in there.

NARRATOR: Now Star Kids may rise to the Star Haven to deliver people's wishes… …but those wishes will not come true. Whatever can they do?

He gives it back to BOWSER.

NARRATOR: Wow…that's dumb. Why go through all of that trouble of flying and delivering in the first place, if _the wishes aren't going to come true_? Whatever, at least it can't get any stupider. Tell me what happens in the end.

ME: End of Prologue, now we can get to the good part!

FANS: I just now realized something…the prologue doesn't start until AFTER the story of Star Spirits and Good Wishes. This should technically be "Before Prologue", since the first part after this is marked "PROLOGUE".

PMarioOwnsRiku takes off his headphones.

ME: What did you say?

FANS: ….Nothing.

ME: Okay. END OF PROLOGUE!


	2. Chapter 2

THE VIEWERS are treated to more non-playable scenes, but at least we finally get to see the MARIO BROS. It starts with a PARAKOOPA putting mail in their mailbox.

PARAKOOPA: Since I'm too lazy to just fly into the house and hand it to you two, I'll just place this here mail in the mailbox.

LUIGI gets the mail.

LUIGI: Seeing as you're mentally ill, I'll read it to you.

PEACH (in the letter): I'm throwing a party at my castle today! Mario and Luigi, I would be honored if you both could attend. Many guests from distant towns are hoping to meet you. There will be tasty sweets and all kinds of entertainment! I hope to see you here soon!

MARIO and LUIGI go into a WARP PIPE, and into TOAD TOWN. Then they go into PEACH'S CASTLE.

MARIO: Ah, I remember this from the last game.

LUIGI: Yeah, this place brings back memories. Say, did you ever get your kart inside?

MARIO: Nope.

MARIO talks to some NPCs, but nobody cares about them.

PEACH: Hello there, Mario! Do come to my room, won't you? Luigi, stay behind.

LUIGI: Why?

PEACH: Even though having you around would probably make this game sell more, Mario and I don't want you to be exposed to such retardedness.

They leave LUIGI behind.

PEACH begins to strip, but for some reason, the ground begins to shake. Then the castle lifts up into the sky.

PEACH: What? With the ground shaking, you'd think the castle would sink to the ground, not LIFT ITSELF TO THE SKY.

BOWSER crashes through a window on his KLOWN KOPTER, because he needs spelling lessons. Then an OLD HAG OF A WITCH flies through the window.

BOWSER: GWAHAHAHA LONG TIME NO SEE PRINCESS PEACH! NOW I CAN RAPE YOU!

PEACH: Bowser! You did all of this just for me?

BOWSER: Blahblahblah, I lifted the castle to the sky, it's sitting on my castle now.

PEACH: Mario! Kick his butt! Wait a minute; didn't you die in the last game?

BOWSER: No, in the last game, Mario only threw me into mines, and they didn't kill me.

ME: She means Mario Kart 64, I swear you got pushed into the lava by Toad in Bowser's Castle.

BOWSER: Nobody dies in spinoffs/side games.

PEACH: Nothing makes sense anymore.

MARIO shows up in front of Peach to defend her.

BOWSER: Huh! What? It's…Mario! What a shock! Ha! Not really! I expected you to turn up, right on cue. You're just as annoying as ever.

PEACH: Haven't you learned your lesson? Or did all those jumps to your head give you brain damage?

BOWSER: This time I'm gonna win!

PEACH: That's what they all say.

BOWSER: Okay, tough guy, let's go!

MARIO gets ready to jump on BOWSER's head as the outline of a star forms around the screen and spins and closes until it covers it all. In the battle, MARIO somehow ends up ON THE LEFT SIDE OF THE SCREEN, with BOWSER on the right. PAPER MARIO turns out to be an RPG.

PEACH: How did that happen? Oh well, you can do it!

BOWSER: GWAHAHAHA! I'LL DEFEAT YOU NOW! This time, I was smart enough to take it to a place with no lava, bottomless pits of any sort, mines, or any other traps!

The top of the screen shows:

HP: 10/10

FP: 5/5

STAR IN AN ORB: 0

COINS: 0

MARIO's current option is JUMP. There are also ITEMS and STRATEGIES, but you can't select those now.

PEACH: Well no shit, it's all you can do.

MARIO jumps. BOWSER claws him. This happens two more times.

BOWSER: Your pathetic attacks won't beat me today!

BOWSER uses his third turn to take out the STAR ROD.

PEACH: I was right, he's brain damaged. Did you steal that from Kirby? What a waste of a turn!

BOWSER: I actually got permission to use it. Kirby said I could use it if I modified it a little bit, and CRUSHED YOU! His games will be on top once I crush you!

PEACH: You honestly think KIRBY, of all people, will outsell us? His games just consist of spitting and swallowing.

MARIO: Yeah, like you do with m-

PEACH slaps MARIO.

PEACH: The viewers don't need to know about our unscripted sex life!

BOWSER: It can grant any wish in the whole wide world!

PEACH: Really? Whole wide world? Who says that anymore?

BOWSER starts glowing as he starts to exert star outlines from his body. He claws MARIO, taking out a whopping 3 HP!

PEACH: Hey, no fair! You used your turn already!

An annoying alarm noise begins to play as the word "DANGER!" appears above MARIO.

MARIO jumps on him, but nothing happens.

BOWSER: Gwa ha ha ha ha ha! Is that all you've got? How sad! You'd best take some vitamins, 'cause that didn't hurt at all! Actually, you'd probably be better off with steroids.

BOWSER claws MARIO. MARIO jumps on him, but again, nothing happens. This is painfully lame.

BOWSER: Now to finish you off. FLAMETHROWER!

It takes out the rest of his health, taking him down. MARIO spins around before fainting.

PEACH: Mario! Get up!

BOWSER: YES! I DID IT! Now to get rid of him, he's useless now.

Using his STAR ROD, BOWSER strikes him with lightning, somehow sending him out of the window.

PEACH: NOOOO! MARIOOOO!

MARIO flips and falls down the beautiful starlit sky. Then the clouds cover the screen. The PAPER MARIO logo rises to the middle of the screen. The next thing you see is a curtain with a checkerboard floor. The word "PROLOGUE" shows up in big letters, with "A Plea from the Stars" in smaller letters under it.

Mario is last seen lying in a forest.

WILL MARIO EVER GET UP? OR HAS BOWSER FINALLY WON? FIND OUT ONCE AND FOR ALL IN THE NEXT EPIC CHAPTER!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The Chapter Where Nothing Happens

The seven STAR SPIRITS, who are now faded and ghost-like, descend down on MARIO and rain sparkles on him. It is really gay. Two of them go dangerously close to him. One has a bow and lipstick. The other has bushy eyebrows and a mustache. For the sake of convenience, they will be called FEMALE and MALE for the time being.

FEMALE: Thank heavens! He's injured, but he might recover!

MALE: Well, duh. He's made of paper. All he did was send him flying off a building.

FEMALE: Good point, BOWSER should have just killed him.

MALE: But he has the Star Rod! He's now mightier than Mario! It's hopeless!

STAR WITH BIGGER MUSTACHE: Calm down. As long as we keep it together, there's always hope! Let's try to revive him!

Sparkles and stuff form around MARIO.

STAR WITH BIGASS MUSTACHE: That's all we can do. Please get up…

OTHER STAR SPIRITS: Aw come on! We don't even get dialogue?

They leave.

Suddenly, a GOOMBA WITH A BOW comes in the screen.

BOW-WEARING GOOMBA: It sounds like something fell…who could that be? This red shirt, this hat, this mustache, this really looks like the one and only Mario!

THE PLAYER tries to get MARIO to jump on the GOOMBA, but nothing happens.

GOOMBA: It couldn't be…Mario! Come on, wake up! Up and at em! Oh no, he won't wake up!

She frantically runs around him, expecting something to happen. She then runs to her dad, Goompa, and Goombario (whoever that is). The screen fades to black again, this time with an outline of Mario's head. Mario is now lying down IN MIDAIR ON A BLACK SCREEN. That dude with the BIGASS MUSTACHE appears again, despite disappearing just minutes ago.

BIG MUSTACHED STAR: Mario, can you hear me? My name is Eldstar. I have something important to tell you. Of course, I could have just told you the first time we met, and you probably can't hear me, but it's about the princess and Mushroom Kingdom. I don't have the strength to talk to you here, but here I am still talking to you. Come to the Shooting Star Summit and we'll be waiting for you.

He leaves yet again.

It turns out that MARIO is in a bed. The room has a Toad poster, and some other crap no one cares about. Then TOAD comes in.

TOAD: Mario! I'm so happy to see you awake! You haven't opened your eyes for days! We were all worried!

MARIO: To be honest, I'm more surprised that fire didn't burn me to shreds. Say, what is this place?

TOAD: It's Goomba Village, a tiny village just west of Toad Town. The only residents are me and a family of Goombas.

MARIO: So there is more than one Toad…WAIT, DID YOU JUST SAY GOOMBA VILLAGE? WHY DIDN'T ANYONE SQUISH THEM?

TOAD: The Goombas are just about the nicest folk you'll ever meet! They found you in the forest and took you here to get better.

MARIO: You mean they were planning to ambush me? By the way, did you see a star with a mustache? It told me to go to Shooting Star Summit.

TOAD: I think you've had way too many Shrooms. Or maybe it was a message from a Star Spirit. They live in Star Haven.

MARIO: I thought it was called Shooting Star Summit.

TOAD: Shooting Star Summit is the nearest place to Star Haven. I'm glad you're all better, the Goombas would be so happy if you paid them a visit!

MARIO quickly goes out of the room….which turns out to be a house. He sees a GOOMBA with a blue hat and two visible bottom teeth.

GOOMBA: Hey Mario! I'm Goombario! **I'm your biggest fan!**

MARIO: I crush your species for a living, and you're my biggest fan?

GOOMBARIO: You don't know what this means for me to meet you! Seriously!

MARIO: That didn't answer my question…

MARIO leaves to find a floating rainbow block with an S on it. It's a Save Block.

MARIO: Oh thank God for saving, I don't want to go through this shit all over again.

He sees a mustached GOOMBA in front of the gate.

MUSTACHED GOOMBA: You're up? Feel free to rest in-

MARIO: Sorry I gotta leave right now.

MUSTACHED GOOMBA: Shooting Star Summit, something important, no doubt. Well, you'll have to wait, that earthquake the other day did a number on it. I must fix this gate.

MARIO tries to jump over the fence, but it's just a little higher than he can jump. He goes inside the biggest house he sees, and then into the veranda. He sees an OLD GOOMBA on a block thing.

OLD GOOMBA: Call me Goompa. I'm the Goomba grandfather, so…I'm Goompa

MARIO: That's…creative.

GOOMPA: Give me the details later, I'm fixing the veranda.

MARIO goes out of the house, and sees GOOMBARIO.

MARIO: …Are you blushing?

GOOMBARIO: That's just how I'm designed. My dad was looking for you. He finished fixing the gate. Now you can travel.

MARIO reached the gate and talks to the GOOMBA who fixed it. He turns out to be GOOMBARIO's dad.

GOOMBA DAD: If you keep going, you'll reach Toad Town, home of Princess Peach's Castle.

MARIO: So that's where all the Toads came from…Super Mario 64 makes a little sense now!

GOOMBA DAD: Too bad you can't stay, I feel like I just met you.

MARIO: That's because we DID just meet.

GOOMBA WITH A BOW: Best of luck, Mario.

A VOICE: Hee! Yee hee hee!

The voice turns out to be the MAGIKOOPA from earlier, who flies over the gate for some reason.

MARIO: That was weird. Let'sa go! Wait, I'm the only person going.

The MAGIKOOPA flies back to the other side, and then stops behind it.

MAGIKOOPA: My instincts were right! I can't believe you're on your feet after taking such a beating from King Bowser!

GOOMBA WEARING BOW: What's that weird flying thing, Daddy?

MAGIKOOPA: I am a beautiful Koopa with a beautiful name: Kammy Koopa!

MARIO: Standards for beauty sure have lowered since I woke up.

KAMMY KOOPA: Hear this! It is useless for you to try and save Peach! Ridiculous! Laughable! As you have seen, King Bowser is more powerful than even you can deal with!

MARIO: And you're trying to prevent me getting to him because…

KAMMY: This is a gift from him!

She summons a giant block with two small ovals that look like eyes, and drops it down on the gate, somehow causing an earthquake that sends MARIO, BOW WEARING GOOMBA, and GOOMBA DAD jumping!

KAMMY: You will kneel and weep when you see the wonderful changes King Bowser's made!

MARIO: How am I supposed to see them if you're blocking my way?

KAMMY: Your world is ours now!

She flies away.

GOOMBA DAD: I just now fixed that gate. Nobody say "gate" to me. Kammy Koopa, that fiend! Did you hear what she said about the princess? It didn't sound good. I hope nothing's happened to her.

MARIO puts his hand to his head.

GOOMBA DAD: Bowser went and kidnapped Princess Peach again?

MARIO: You seem genuinely surprised.

GOOMBA DAD: And now you have to get to the Summit? This could be a problem…Here's an idea! Maybe we can break this block with Goompa's big Hammer!

MARIO: The word "Hammer" is capitalized…RPGs usually capitalize items that you interact with. Which means I'll be using the hammer sometime…PERFECT! I never thought I'd be allowed to use a weapon! Let's get this plot moving!

MARIO rushes to the veranda…which is GONE! He falls and sways to the ground, but you didn't expect that to kill him, did you? In one second, he gets up. He goes to GOOMPA.

GOOMPA: Oh my back…there was a crashing noise, and then the veranda collapsed, and I fell.

MARIO: How did you even survive?

GOOMBA shows MARIO yet ANOTHER BLOCK.

MARIO: I'm not going to ask how that's happened.

After some more talking, MARIO goes to the left. He sees a yellow ? block, but jumping on it does nothing.

GOOMPA: It's gotta be here somewhere! It looks just like this.

THE PLAYER finds out it's a wooden hammer.

MARIO: How did you do that just now?

GOOMPA: Do what?

MARIO: Never mind.

He finds the HAMMER in some bushes. Some epic music starts to play. He finds out you can hit trees with it to make stuff fall out, and also hit blocks, including the big ones in the way. He finds a bunch of coins, and also a dolly that looks like PEACH. MARIO makes out with it for a while before heading back home. GOOMPA rushes through the pathway, before uttering out a "YOUCH!" He gets knocked back towards MARIO. A TROOPA with eggshell pieces for a helmet and a diaper appears.

BABY TROOPA: Who are you guys? This is my playground!

MARIO: This shithole is your playground?

BABY TROOPA: Nobody sets foot in here without my permission! Prepare to start crying at the feet of Master Jr. Troopa!

The screen fades to black with the outline of a star, and the chapter ends.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Fighting Omelet Troopa and Some Other Crap (Literally)

And so the battle begins…with a surprisingly catchy theme.

GOOMPA: Mario, this is Jr. Troopa. He's the boss of this neighborhood gang. A bit of a bully, obviously.

MARIO: What neighborhood gang? I don't see anyone else here. Unless you're referring to THESE!

MARIO then takes scrambled eggs out of his pocket…and eats them!

JR. TROOPA: Very funny!

GOOMPA: Moving on. He's more bark than bite. You can beat him easily. Just boost yourself up and don't take any lip from him! I'll just sit here and watch you in a creepy way.

MARIO: I don't know what you mean by "boost myself up", seeing as I have no items or abilities that can do that, at least not yet.

MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA.

GOOMPA: Nice move!

JR. TROOPA jumps on MARIO. Both do 1 damage to each other.

MARIO: Oh come on! You couldn't be more original?

MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA. JR. TROOPA jumps on MARIO. Both do 1 damage to each other. MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA.

JR. TROOPA: Screw this; I'm just getting warmed up!

JR. TROOPA jumps on MARIO. MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA.

GOOMPA: You've almost got him! Keep it up!

JR. TROOPA: You asked for it! Time for my ULTIMATE HYPER BURST ULTRA SPECIAL ATTACK OF DOOOOM! FULL POWER!

A pink aura circle glows around him and disappears, and then he jumps on MARIO. It does….2 damage.

MARIO: Your super attack is one hit point more powerful than your regular attack?

GOOMPA: Told you he was all bark.

MARIO jumps on JR. TROOPA once more. JR. TROOPA spins around a few more times before falling down. Surprisingly, he doesn't crack. This turned out to be a fixed battle. MARIO gets 20 Star Points!

GOOMPA: You get those every time you beat an enemy. When you save 100, you go up a level. They're basically Experience Points.

MARIO: Not sure how I'm going to carry all of this, but whatever. If I pound this guy about 500 times, I'll be on level 100, right? Surely, there must be a bunch of enemies similar to him.

GOOMPA: That's not really how it works…

JR. TROOPA: I was winning! I'll be back, Mario!

JR. TROOPA runs away, and MARIO smashes his way through a bunch of blocks and finds a Fire Flower. He then continues on, and as he goes further, GOOMPA gives him advice.

GOOMPA: Heads up, Mario! I see bad Goombas ahead! They're loyal to Bowser! If they see you' they'll attack you without hesitation!

MARIO: No shit, Gramps. Tell me something that's actually useful.

GOOMPA: If you jump or hammer an enemy in the field, you will get a First Strike.

MARIO: Thank you. Wait a minute, why are you telling me all of this?

GOOMPA: Because the world isn't all black and white.

MARIO: Whatever.

WILL MARIO EVER GET A FIRST STRIKE? OR WILL THE WEAK ENEMIES KEEP ATTACKING HIM FIRST? FIND OUT BY SCROLLING DOWN!

MARIO jumps until he gets a First Strike on a GOOMBA. The music used is AWESOME.

MARIO: Wow, the Goombas have better music than any of the past bosses. This oughta be entertaining. HAMMER TIME!

MARIO finishes it off with his Hammer, which does about much damage as Jr. Troopa's standard attack. He gets about as many Star Points as Jr. Troopa's ultimate attack does. As he's getting Star Points, a catchy jungle plays. MARIO looks at the screen, wags his finger, and tips his hat.

GOOMPA: So why didn't you use it earlier?

MARIO: Didn't wanna get eggs all over my Hammer.

Back on the battlefield, MARIO makes the mistake of jumping on a SPIKED GOOMBA, and loses 1 HP.

GOOMPA: This is a Spiked Goomba. See the spike on his head? Be careful not to jump on him. You'll definitely get hurt.

MARIO: Hey, thanks. You know when that would have been useful? A FEW SECONDS AGO. That aside, that's a very creative name.

It takes two hits from the Hammer to beat him. He gets 3 Star Points. The next enemy MARIO sees is a GOOMBA…with wings.

MARIO: Don't tell me, its wings will tickle me if I jump on it?

GOOMPA: I don't know what you're talking about.

MARIO: Good.

MARIO jumps on the PARAGOOMBA. In the battlefield, there are two of them.

MARIO: What the hell, where did that other one come from? Two against one isn't fair! Then again, I have 10 HP.

GOOMPA: This is an RPG, you know. Just be glad there aren't any random encounters.

The PARAGOOMBA that MARIO jumped on loses its wings.

MARIO: Sweet, you're nothing.

GOOMPA: Listen up, Mario. The enemy's flying. Your Hammer won't be able to reach enemies in the air. To attack airborne enemies, use a Jump attack.

MARIO: Isn't that what I just did?

GOOMPA: You can jump over one enemy to attack one behind it. This is good advice. Remember it!

MARIO jumps on the other WINGED GOOMBA, which makes its wings fall off. The GOOMBAS attack him with a jumping headbutt.

MARIO: AW COME ON! Have some originality, will ya?

MARIO kills the one in front. The other one attacks him. MARIO kills it too. He gains 6 Star Points. He finds a Star Piece before heading back to the village. GOOMPA opens the gate that is in the way. He meets up with GOOMBARIA and GOOMBARIO. They have a family reunion before GOOMPA finally decides to go into the house and give him something.

GOOMBARIO: That's the dolly my sister lost…will you give it back to her?

MARIO: Sure, let me just make out with it for a few minutes.

A few minutes later…

MARIO: Alright, here's your now HIV/AIDS infected doll.

GOOMBARIA gives him a Star Piece.

GOOMBARIO: You always beat up your enemies, do you work out? I study self-defense by reading books from the masters and listening to Dad and Goompa. Look at my big muscles!

GOOMBARIA: Yeah, his head is as hard as a rock now! Tee hee! When he does his (unoriginal) Headbonk move, it really hurts!

GOOMBARIO: Oh be quiet, Goombaria! You're embarrassing me! Of course, it is true..

MARIO: Pfft, that's nothing. I can crush bricks with my head.

GOOMBARIO: I suppose I can't beat that.

GOOMPA: Sorry to have kept you waiting.

MARIO: What did you do in there, take a-

GOOMBARIO: It's okay! We were just rapping with Mario!

MARIO: But we weren't-

GOOMPA gives MARIO the Power Jump Badge, which looks like a boot with spikes on the bottom.

MARIO: So I can jump on Spiked Goombas now?

GOOMPA: No. But equip it anyway.

MARIO: But won't this poke a hole in me?

GOOMPA: Just do it.

MARIO wears the badge, which surprisingly doesn't poke him.

MARIO: I should have guessed; Bowser's fire didn't burn me to a crisp before. Detective Mario on the double!

GOOMPA: Do you need a tutorial?

MARIO: NO. What is it with tutorials? Have we really gotten stupider?

GOOMPA tells him about Flower Points and the Heart Block, which restore both HP and FP.

MARIO: What about Flower Blocks? This doesn't seem right.

GOOMPA: Are you questioning me? Anyway, I heard you're going to rescue Peach.

GOOMBARIO: Oh yeah! Mario can beat Bowser with one hand tied around his back!

GOOMBARIA: Then why didn't he do it in the first place?

GOOMPA: Hush, Goombario. Mario, take this hammer. I would accompany you, but I'm old now.

GOOMBARIO: You're so lucky!

GOOMPA: Mario, you're stuck with him now. Good luck travelling with a fanboy.

GOOMBARIO: Really? YES! OH YES! You won't regret this! YEEEES!

GOOMPA: Did you just have one? Anyway, I'm going back to the house to take a nap.

MARIO goes to the TOAD HOUSE, takes a rest (which restores all of his stats), and heads out with GOOMBARIO.

GOOMBARIO: There's lots of bad Goombas around these parts.

MARIO: …No comment.

He sees a sign that says "Beware of Goombas!", and also has a picture of one. The GOOMBA pops RIGHT OUT OF THE SIGN and goes after him.

MARIO: OMGWTF-

It attacks him.

MARIO: Well, might as well get this over with.

GOOMBARIO TATTLES on it.

GOOMBARIO: This is a Goomba. Goombas are what you'd call "small fries." Actually, they're pretty much the smallest fries. ...Hey, wait! I'm one of 'em! Max HP: 2, Attack Power: 1, Defense Power: 0. You can jump on them or whack 'em with the Hammer. These guys are old school. They've been around since you were in Super Mario Bros.!

MARIO: Shut up.

He kills it, but then encounters a SPIKED GOOMBA, which GOOMBARIO TATTLES on.

GOOMBARIO: This is a Spiked Goomba. Spiked Goombas are Goombas with spikes on their heads. Max HP: 2, Attack Power: 2, Defense Power: 0. Whatever you do, don't jump on their spikes or you'll get hurt or even paralyzed!

MARIO: Gee, thanks for telling me something I know.

He kills that too, and then jumps on a PARAGOOMBA.

GOOMBARIO: This is a Paragoomba. Obviously, Paragoombas are Goombas with wings. Max HP: 2, Attack Power: 1, Defense Power: 0. You can't hit 'em with the Hammer while they're airborne. If you damage 'em, they'll fall to the ground and become ordinary Goombas.

MARIO: No shit. Tell me something useful for once in your life. Well, my life, anyway. You know, since you aren't going to live very long if you keep this up.

He owns it, along with everything else in the way. He sees another sign that says "Eat a Mushroom to regain your energy! When HP gets low, eat a Mushroom with (C-Stick Left)", with a picture of a Mushroom. Just like the GOOMBA, it pops out, and MARIO takes it.

GOOMBARIO: These items must be like pop-up pictures in a book.

In a block, MARIO finds the Close Call Badge, which makes enemies sometimes fail to attack when MARIO is in Danger.

MARIO: Not sure how it fits in there, but okay, this should be useful.

MARIO equips it. Both of his badges cost 1 BP (Badge Point), so now he has just 1 BP left.

MARIO: I wonder how many badges I can wear at once.

GOOMBARIO: Did you know…that there are good Goombas and bad Goombas? A bad Goomba will try to pick a fight with us when it sees us.

MARIO: WOW, REALLY? I NEVER WOULD HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT! You're worse than your gramps; you're always stating the obvious. You've said literally nothing that I didn't figure out a couple of hours ago. In fact, you told me there were bad Goombas around here no more than a few minutes ago. What did you think the bad Goombas were doing before? Did you get brain damage from all of those Headbonks you did?

They kill a bunch more stuff, use a Heart Block, and keep going. MARIO is about to jump on a spring when he hears a voice.

VOICE: Hey hey! Hold it right there! You! Yeah you, suspicious guy! Don't move!

MARIO puts his hand to his hat, probably because he doesn't care.

MARIO: I'm moving. What are you gonna do about it?

The voice turns out to be a RED GOOMBA and a BLUE GOOMBA.

RED GOOMBA: You can't move past here! It's a direct order from the Goomba King!

MARIO: So who is this Goomba King? A yellow Goomba?

RED GOOMBA: The only way is through us. I'm Red Goomba, and this is Blue Goomba.

MARIO: Does everyone state the obvious around here?

GOOMBARIO: You get used to it after a while.

RED: Let's get him!

BLUE: Yeah! Let's get him, my red brother!

Their attacks are…headbonks that take out 1 HP, just like the other GOOMBAS. Oh, and they have more HP. MARIO beats the BLUE GOOMBA.

RED: BLUE! BLUE GOOMBA! Gah! My little brother! You'll pay for that, Mario!

RED attacks him.

MARIO: You don't even have an ultimate attack? This is painfully easy.

They wreck BLUE and gain 20 Star Points. They run away like babies. The GOOMBAS, I mean. They are seen heading inside a castle, whining.

GOOMBARIO: I'm pretty sure there used to be a bridge on the other side. I wonder what happened to it.

The GOOMBA KING and the colored GOOMBAS appear on top of the castle walls.

GOOMBA KING: So, it's true, you defeated them. Unfortunately, this is as far as you'll ever go.

RED: Not one step! You scared, little man?

BLUE: You wanna say you're sorry?

GOOMBARIO: That GOOMBA KING is on steroids, he's HUGE! I'm sure he's no match for you!

The three of them jump down in front of them.

MARIO: Wait, you couldn't just use the door?

A new theme plays as they engage in battle.

GOOMBARIO: Hey, Mario! I think we oughta take out the Goomba Bros. first, don't you think?

MARIO: What is this, the Goomba version of Super Mario Bros.? Next you'll be telling me there's a group of people called the Koopa Bros.!

There is a bandage on a GOOMNUT TREE, for some reason. MARIO hits it with his hammer, and a Goomnut falls on all of them, inflicting 3 damage. The GOOMBA BROS. faint. GOOMBARIO headbonks him. GOOMBA KING jumps and shakes the tree, and Goomnuts fall on MARIO, taking out 2 HP.

MARIO: Strange, that's one less HP than we did to you.

GOOMBARIO: Now aren't you stating the obvious.

MARIO: Shut up.

The two of them attack. GOOMBA KING spins around and kicks MARIO, taking out…1 HP.

They beat GOOMBA KING and earn 30 Star Points, and now they have enough for a LEVEL UP!

The choices of stats to level up are HP (+5), FP (+5), and BP (+3).

MARIO: Hmmm, what should I choose?

WILL MARIO EVER DECIDE? OR WILL HE BE STUCK HERE FOREVER? FIND OUT IN THE NEXT EPIC CHAPTER OF...PAPER MARIO!

Rated E for Everyone.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Tough Choices, Weak Enemies

Note: I have merged the last two chapters together. Why? Because.

A catchy remix of Super Mario Bros. 3's Overworld Theme plays as MARIO tries to decide which stat to boost.

MARIO: Hmm…maybe I could raise my HP by 5. But then, I might not really need it. The enemies here are really weak. 3 more BP doesn't sound like a bad idea, but I don't know if I want to stick more badges through myself. 5 more FP sounds cool, that way it'll take me more turns to run out. LOOK OUT WORLD, I'M LEVEL 2 AND I HAVE 15 FP!

MARIO hits a tree and gets a Star Piece, then finds a blue switch in a bush.

MARIO: Ooh! What does this button do?

He jumps on it, and then GOOMBA KING comes out.

GOOMBA KING: Um, Mario, good fight and all that. But if you find a switch, don't press it. It's dangerous. Of course, I could have just kept it in this castle where you can't see it, but logic wasn't on my side.

MARIO: It never was. What's a dangerous switch doing outside? Oh, and you're about five seconds too late. I pressed it already.

GOOMBA KING: WHAT? OH NOOOO!

The top of the castle unfolds and turns into a bridge, for some reason. Then GOOMBA KING is sent flying.

MARIO: Well that was pointless. You know where I can find a pair of scissors?

GOOMBARIO: Say, what happened to the red and blue Goombas?

MARIO: Who knows, maybe they died in the explosion.

They go through the fortress and cross the bridge, not knowing that KAMMY KOOPA is stalking them. She then flies up, probably because she's not prepared for an ass kicking.

In the sky, there are two castles stacked on top of each other, with spiked balls hanging from it with chains.

KAMMY KOOPA comes to BOWSER.

KAMMY: Mighty King Bowser, I've been looking for you.

BOWSER: Are you gonna suck up to me again, or actually tell me something useful?

KAMMY: King Bowser lost!

BOWSER: What? I used the Star Rod to make him bigger because he begged me! Are you sure Mario can't defeat us?

KAMMY: No, he can't, because you're invincible, unless he snatches the Star Rod or something. And I had a feeling Goomba King would fail.

BOWSER: That's good! The Star Spirits don't have any way of giving Mario their power, right?

KAMMY: Nope, they're all separated. Of course, he probably has a map of some sort, and we can't be the only ones who know of the places where we hid them. Good thing you thought that through, because each of those places is guarded by your handpicked subjects!

BOWSER: Yes! Good thing I thought that through! Who's the closest Star Spirit to Mario? It's the one at Koopa Bros. Fortress, right? Mario better not jump on their backs.

Suddenly, the Koopa Bros. land in front of them from the sky and put their thumbs up, causing sparkles.

RED KOOPA BRO: Here come the Koopa Bros.! We're the coolest of cool!

BOWSER: Are you sure they can do it? King Goomba used a bunch of steroids and couldn't even defeat Mario.

RED KOOPA BRO: Psshaw! Get real, King Bowser! Goomba King was huge, but he as a total wimpola! We'll show Mario the real super power of teamwork!

KAMMY: You sound like wannabes. Show King Bowser that attack you do so well!

Off-screen, a huge flash of light appears from their direction.

BOWSER: I'm not sure that has a practical use, seeing as it didn't even blind me or anything, but that's impressive! Mario won't have a chance! By the way, who's guarding the Star Spirit in your fortress?

RED KOOPA BRO: Nobody. We came here after a pizza order, so…

BOWSER: You idiots! Use your heads! Get back there and guard it!

MARIO arrives at TOAD TOWN. There is extra stuff on the way, but he decides not to worry about it right now.

MARIO: I wonder if there are bad Toads and good Toads?

A generic TOAD (probably one of the ones from Super Mario 64) comes up to him.

TOAD: This town is in an uproar ever since Peach got kidnapped and the castle uprooted!

MARIO goes into a nearby pipe and lands…in front of his house.

MARIO: Well, that's convenient.

LUIGI is whistling for some reason.

LUIGI: Mario, you're all right!

MARIO: You survived?

LUIGI: I managed to run outside just as the earthquake started, so I escaped.

MARIO: Boy, are you lucky.

LUIGI looks at GOOMBARIO.

MARIO: I-I can explain. Really.

GOOMBARIO: I'm Goombario. Nice to meet you.

LUIGI: Great. Just great. You get to go on an exciting adventure with Mario, while I have to watch the house.

MARIO: You could come with us; no one's going to steal from our house when there's much better things out there. People are too busy worrying about Peach. And even if you're worried about someone busting into our house, Goombario could guard it. This adventure has been nothing but ridiculous.

LUIGI: Great! Say, what does he do?

MARIO: He does a headbonk, and tattles on enemies to get info.

LUIGI: That sounds useful.

MARIO: You'd think it would be, but he just spouts out the obvious. So, he should watch the house.

LUIGI: I can only imagine what would happen. 'This is a burglar. He will bust into this house if you don't shut up and do something.'

MARIO: Hahahaha!

GOOMBARIO: Oh yeah, well at least I'm going on an adventure!

LUIGI tries to go with them, but the power of plot compels him to stay back.

MARIO: Aww…

LUIGI: Take care of Mario, okay?

MARIO: You're kidding, right?

MARIO goes inside the house and looks at a chalkboard, which has his accomplishments.

MARIO: Holy crap, he knows the exact amount of coins I've earned! He knows how many badges and Star Pieces I have too! Wait; there are 80 badges and 160 Star Pieces out there? You'd think Star Pieces would be a lot rarer, with badges being more common.

GOOMBARIO: He even knows how many enemies you've fought, even the amount of First Strikes you or an enemy got!

Both of them are horrified from this discovery.

HOW DOES LUIGI KNOW ALL OF THIS? IS HE PLANNING TO STEAL FROM THEM? WILL LUIGI EVER OVERCOME THE POWER OF PLOT?

STAY TUNED!


	6. Chapter 6

Sorry for delay. Dial-up was worse than usual.

Chapter 5.5

The Chapter You've All Been Waiting For

The answers you've all been waiting for will finally arrive! Why does Luigi know so much about everything and everybody? Stay tuned and find out in this chapt—

APRIL FOOLS!

This chapter begins with a hovering white glove picking MARIO up from a treasure chest and dropping him on a desk. The glove organizes stuff and drops YOSHI, before counting down from 3.

YOSHI (in thoughts): Okay, this is creepy.

MARIO (also in thoughts): I...seem to be an action figure. I guess it's an improvement from being flat. Wait, how did I get here from Paper Mario?

The glove snaps its fingers, and MARIO automatically assumes a fighting pose as the desk turns into a battlefield. The intro shows some character introductions and awesome scenes before showing MARIO and KIRBY facing off.

MARIO: Okay, this is weird. Is this some sort of crossover?

Both of them jump into the air and collide their attacks, followed by PIKACHU and LINK (whose sword manages not to slash PIKACHU's body, then FOX and SAMUS (both of whom could have used lasers or something), and lastly, YOSHI and DONKEY KONG (who is much bigger).

MARIO: Okay, I'll bite. Why didn't any of us use our trademark attacks?

MYSTERY VOICE: Production values, man. Just go with the flow.

A brief glimpse of four "secret" characters is then seen.

MARIO: That looked like-a Luigi!

MYSTERY VOICE: Shh, don't tell the players.

A fiery circle is cut unevenly into four pieces before turning plain red, and a fiery background with the game title emerges.

MYSTERY VOICE: SUUUUPEEEEEER SMAAAAAAAAAAAAASH BROOTHEEEERS!

PLAYERS: MY EARS!

After going through the menu, MARIO arrives at Hyrule Castle.

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS LINK!

MARIO: Awesome! I get to fight Link! One stock? Har, har, very funny.

MARIO and LINK fight for a while before a STARMAN appears. LINK grabs it...

MARIO: Oh shit...

And falls off the stage.

MARIO: Whew! So, what are points for exactly? No answers? Fine.

Next, he goes against a team of 18 Yoshis. Thankfully, he only has to fight three at once.

MARIO: You wouldn't hurt me...would you?

A GREEN YOSHI throws an egg at him.

GREEN YOSHI: This is for always sacrificing me to jump higher!

MARIO: What are you talking about?

BLUE YOSHI sends him flying off the stage, but he recovers.

BLUE YOSHI: Oh, now that we're fighting you, you can recover just fine, yet you couldn't recover without sacrificing us?

MARIO: This is ridiculous...

MARIO fights off all of them, who get sent flying off screen in one hit.

MARIO: ...ly easy.

ANNOUCER: VERSUS FOX MCCLOUD!

MARIO: ...Oh shit.

ANNOUNCER: 3...

MARIO: Look, I'm-a not supposed to be here. I should be in-a Paper Mario.

ANNOUNCER: 2...

FOX readies his blaster.

ANNOUNCER: 1...

MARIO: Okay, I'll just jump and...

ANNOUNCER: GO!

FOX shoots his laser, but MARIO narrowly dodges it and throws out a fireball, before FOX reflects it back at him. FOX then proceeds to wreck him.

MARIO: This can't be the end...my life is flashing before my eyes...I remember saving Peach dozens of times...playing sports with my friends...being paper...and...I'm falling...

A spotlight appears before him as he stops falling. The screen lights up, and he appears to be in a room with a random box behind him.

ANNOUNCER: CONTINUE?

MARIO: A second chance? All right!

He hovers in the air and takes a fighting pose.

FOX: So you're back. Hey, where are you going?

FOX chases after MARIO on the edge of the stage.

MARIO: Wait for it...wait for it...

He grabs FOX and throws him off the stage.

FOX: FI-YAAAAH!

FOX launches himself...away from the stage.

ANNOUNCER: GAME!

MARIO: Fine with me.

ANNOUNCER: BREAK THE TARGETS!

MARIO: Is this a test or something?

MARIO breaks all of the targets while jumping on some random platforms.

ANNOUNCER: COMPLETE!

MARIO: That's not much of an accomplishment.

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS MARIO BROS.!

MARIO: What?

LINK appears beside MARIO.

MARIO: So you forgive me for kicking your—

LINK shushes him.

MARIO and LINK fight LUIGI and a MARIO RECOLOR.

MARIO: Luigi! Do you really think that's me?

LINK throws a POKE BALL and out comes SNORLAX, who rises in the air and sends the opponents flying!

MARIO: Wait, why wasn't I squished? I was in front of it.

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS GIANT DONKEY KONG!

MARIO: ...

His allies are JIGGLYPUFF...and a normal-sized DK.

MARIO jumps under giant DK and attacks him, while his allies just stand there hitting thin air.

MARIO: I hope all of you get donkey punched.

Giant DK manages to fall off the stage.

DK: Haha, what a dummy!

JIGGLYPUFF: WE DID IT!

MARIO: No, he just killed himself out of sheer idiocy.

ANNOUNCER: BOARD THE PLATFORMS!

MARIO has to jump on some platforms and turn the red lights blue.

MARIO: How does this work exactly? I can't change the color by hitting it, but jumping on it changes it?

There's an area with three platforms sinking and rising through it.

MARIO: If I just jump on here and wai—AAH! LAVA! That didn't even look like lava!

After getting over the initial shock, MARIO beats the level.

ANNOUNCER: COMPLETE!

MARIO: I wonder what's next. Maybe I have to go through the first level of Super Mario Bros. with better graphics!

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS KIRBY TEAM!

MARIO: There are only 8 of them? This will be easy.

They turn out to be MUCH harder than the YOSHI team. MARIO wins, but not without 140% damage.

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS SAMUS ARAN!

MARIO: This is your idea of a challenge, after 8 Kirbys?

MARIO and SAMUS fight each other for a bit before MARIO gets her off the stage. Unfortunately, the acid helps her recover. A STARMAN falls on SAMUS, and the next time she falls, she loses.

MARIO: What a way to go.

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS METAL MARIO!

MARIO: First a recolor, then metal me. What other variation of myself will I have to fight next? Fire Mario? Wingcap Mario? Star Mario? Raccoon Mario?

METAL MARIO spins around and hits MARIO, who kicks him. MARIO uses all of the good items he can get.

MARIO: Get...off...the...stage...

MARIO: Snorlax, I choose you!

GOLDEEN comes out as METAL MARIO creeps closer to MARIO.

MARIO: God dammit.

A BOB-OMB appears, but METAL MARIO gets it. He gets closer and closer to MARIO, who hangs onto the ledge. METAL MARIO throws the BOB-OMB, but misses. He then jumps down to hit MARIO, and he does, but then he falls down and loses the match.

ANNOUNCER: GAME!

MARIO: That was a close one!

ANNOUNCER: RACE TO THE FINISH!

MARIO: All I really have to do is avoid these weak enemies and drop down to lower levels, and then get to the light at the end of the tunnel...I wonder where this'll lead...hopefully back to Paper Mario...

A few seconds later...

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS A BUNCH OF JAGGED CREATURES, UHM, I MEAN, FIGHTING POLYGON TEAM!

MARIO: If they're anything like the Kirby team, I'm doomed...30 of them? Really? Wow, the announcer was right, they ARE edgy. And people say Kirby's sharp. Wait a minute, why do they all look like sharper versions of people I know? Ugh, not even ten of them defeated and already I'm at 111%. Oh, cool, a barrel. Wonder what's in there?

A HEART CONTAINER comes out and MARIO eats it.

MARIO: Okay, where's my extra stock?

One of them knocks him over and grabs a nearby wand. MARIO recovers and gets hit by it.

MARIO: Stop taking all of the good items!

A Poke Ball appears, and another one of them throws it.

MARIO: Please be Goldeen...please be Goldeen...

CHARIZARD flames him repeatedly as he desperately tries to avoid it. Soon enough, it disappears. MARIO then picks up a hammer and kills everything he gets in contact with.

MARIO: A fan, awesome!

The fan sucks in three of the enemies before MARIO sends them off the stage. Soon, there are only two of them left. One of them kills itself, but the other one hovers in the air for no apparent reason. A BOB-OMB appears, and both of them race to it. The opponent lands and picks it up and throws it down, sending both of them flying.

MARIO: YOU IDIOT!

The FIGHTING POLYGON is the first to die, so MARIO wins.

MARIO: Phew! Now I can go back to—

ANNOUNCER: VERSUS MASTER HAND!

MARIO: Who was that again? Trying to remember...

?: MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

It's the giant floating hand from the intro!

MARIO: ...Gulp.

It uses its two fingers to walk across the stage and then pluck MARIO. MARIO hits it, but it swats him away.

MARIO: Must...recover...

He does, but MASTER HAND points its two fingers at him and hits him with a bullet.

MARIO: Come on, items, appear...

MASTER HAND tries to squish him from the air, but he dodges.

MARIO: I'm-a getting the hang of this.

MARIO manages to attack it a few times while dodging its attacks. Unfortunately, MASTER HAND grabs him and shakes him a little.

MARIO: WAAAAH! I...am not...your...dil—WHOA!

MASTER HAND uses a ROCKET PUNCH, which MARIO barely manages to dodge. After a few minutes, MASTER HAND explodes and the whole screen turns white. It is AWESOME.

MARIO is last seen on the desk.

MARIO: That took a lot out...does this pipe lead me back to...ugh...

The screen turns white again, and the credits play. THE PLAYERS shoot all of the names on it.

PLAYERS: This is for making the Fighting Polygon Team! THIS is for Giant Donkey Kong! I don't know who you are, but this is for Kirby Team! This is for having an intro that has very little to do with the game! Whoever voiced the announcer, you deserved to get shot!

After the credits, the players are treated to an picture showing Mario holding up a "No 1!" flag with the words "You are great!" at the bottom.

THE PLAYERS: That's it?

WARNING: CHALLENGER APPROACHING!

THE PLAYERS: Awesome! I wonder who it is!

The End?

Who is the challenger approaching? Who knows? Who cares? How does Luigi know so much? Stay tuned for the NEXT chapter! Seriously!

...It's just now occurred to me that this chapter (not including the Author's Notes) has 1999 words...and 1999 is the year this game came out...GASP! CONSPIRACY!


End file.
